To My Biological Children...

To my biological children, I'm deeply sorry! I'm sorry that I brought the chaos and trauma into our world. If I would have known, what this journey would have taken us, I would've chosen a different path. I thought I was doing something good, by helping children in need. I could never imagined what trauma actually looks like; no amount of classes, books, or movies could've prepared us for our foster/adopted children.

Reactive Attachment Disorder, Developmental Trauma Disorder, ADHD, ODD, CPTSD, DMDD, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Bipolar; Disruptive, Impulse Control, and Conduct Disorder, Personality Disorders (Anti-Social, Narcissistic, Avoidant, Histrionic), and Paraphilic Disorder... It's a lot of Mental and Behavioral disorders to deal with, and being prepared as a foster parent, we were not. Looking back, I know now, Social Workers are like used car salesmen, they talk up a good game. 

My biology children suffered the worst, because my energy was on my one foster/two adopt children. Their chaos and trauma couldn't be loved away, having a safe and secure home, a roof over their head, and food in their belly. The lack of proper treatment upset me, well, I'm fucking pissed. Social Workers have known for years, that children with Complex Trauma need the best care and treatment; that doesn't mean a therapeutic foster home or regular foster homes. It means sometimes, PRTF’s, that specializes in Complex Trauma; Trauma-Informed Care, Biofeedback, EMDR, Art therapy, Enquire therapy, CBT and other therapies. My biological children should have never been exposed to this nightmare of Complex Trauma. 

H, B, and G, I sorry that you guys had the endure the nightmare roller-coaster ride. I never wanted you to feel that you didn't matter to me, but you do. I never wanted to you all to live with physical, psychological, and sexual abuse in our home and you did; I can never take that back. And in a way, can never forgive myself for bring E, S, and J into our lives. As a mother, I couldn't keep you safe. My sole job was to keep you all safe, shield from violence in the home. I failed you on that part. 

When E came to live with us, he was charming at first. E only lived with us for 2 months, but he had so many issues, that his formal foster family never reported in their reports. H and B you should have never felt unsafe in our own home. I wished I would've knew what E had done sooner. E had so much power over you both, and I missed some of those signs. 

And when we got J and S, I thought because they were 6 and 7, they wouldn't have so many behavioral issues. Of course, the social worker were so sure that we would not have the same problems as E. I was wrong, and she was definitely wrong!! S and J had a hurricane of mental and behavioral issues. I never could have managed what J did to G; it's still hard for me to wrap my brain around her violent rape; she was only 8, and J was only 10 1/2. It's the age, the young age to be honest! How can someone so young be this violent? I will get into that in another blog. 

But, as I apologize, I will still call you out on your bullshit. If you hang out with the wrong group of people or go down the wrong path; I'll tell you the truth, and most times it will sting. Adult children hate it, when parents tell the truth, because adult children don't like to hear it or admit that their parents were right. As your mother, I will be your biggest cheerleadrer, I will support you and show you tough love from time to time. I will make sure you understand personal responsibility and accountablilty. What has happened to you was not you fault, I take the blame on that; because we had to live with trauma, and that trauma doesn't give you an excuse to be assholes or ruin your lives; but, it's up to you too heal from the trauma of E, S, and J. 

I love you H, B, G! 

G, the secret that she kept...

No parent ever wants to hear that their daughter was raped; especially by a family member. But, we did! G’s mental state for a 10 year old girl from, March 17th 2018 to March 28th 2018, rapidly declined. In the last blog, "It’s been a year...", I talked about how J came out to see our new home; which cause G’s to have mental brake.

In those 10 days, G had nightmares, peed the bed, G cried all day, didn’t want to eat, and got suspended from school because some boy said something similar to J, so G punched him in the nose. In our school district, when a student has a mental break like what G had,  the the student is suspended and they need to see a mental health professional before coming back to school. I absolutely love our school district, because they have been so patient with G’s mental health through our roller coaster year. I remember when I got that phone call from the principal of G’s school, informing me of what happened. I was informed to go to the school counselors office, I still didn’t know what was going on with G’s. When I walked into the school office, I was escorted to the counselors room, G was sitting in a chair, just sobbing uncontrollable. G couldn’t talk, the absolute fear of everything made her shut down. The counselor pulled me out into the hallway, this school counselor has been working with elementary school age children for decades. The counselor told me what she thought G was assaulted. During this time, I was so focus on G; reassuring G that she was not in trouble.

I made an appointment with Dr. B a child psychologist on Ft. Jackson, but G kept getting worse with fear and anxiety. G and J shared the same child psychologist, I would learn later that anything associated with J brought extreme about of stress to G. I canceled G’s appointment, and set G up with appointment with Dr. L, my psychologist. We had a few days before the appointment, all I wanted to do was take away all of G’s fear, anxiety, and despair.

The time came when G would meet my therapist; G was so petrified with fear. As we headed to Dr. L’s room, G just squeezed both mine and her fathers hand. We all walked into the room, G took a seat and Dr. L was beside her, reassuring everything was ok. I was on one side, and her father was on the other side. G started weeping uncontrollably, and out she told her secret. Everyone in the room started crying, the words that came out and she felt a relief.

As G finally told her secret, my heart dropped. G’s father and I just hugged her and told her everything would be fine and she will be safe.  Dr. L went to go get Dr. P-C, she’s the director of her clinic and also a forensic psychologist. We set up an appointment for the next day with Dr. P-C. G’s father And I self reported to the SC state abuse hotline, which the operator advised us to go to the local hospital. We took G down to Prisma Health Children’s Hospital; the check-in administrator put G under anonymous for her privacy. A female nurse took us to a private room, where we explain everything to a female doctor.

As we were sitting in the room, all I felt was guilt. I just thought to myself, here I brought the child into my home, hoping to make a difference. We were always cautious because the was no reporting on sexual abuse from foster care on J and S; J was never allowed to play with the girls with doors shut, never alone, and always a watchful eye. When you decided to adopt from foster care, you go through different training and classes; you hear stories, and you are told to take precautions. We did this! But, I never fathom what J did, where J raped G, and at his age.

The time went by slowly, we had to wait for a sexual assault victim advocacy nurse, she had to drive from Raleigh, N. C. Yep, about a 3 1/2 hour drive and female. A female therapist, female ER doctor, female SAVA nurse. Well, some time went by, the SAVA nurse said since G’s rape was over 6 months ago, checking G would retraumatize her. Rape needs to be a very sensitive in gathering the facts, evidence, and who interacts with the victim. CID has dropped the ball when it comes to all sexual assault cases; in reality, CID should never investigate any sexual assault cases. Personally what we’ve encountered on being falsely accused and a rape in our family, their needs to be an independent investigation outside the military handle all sexual assault cases. In G's case everyone was being sensitive to this case from the beginning, starting with the counselor at G’s school, Dr. L and Dr. P-C, the ER doctor, and the SAVA nurse. But things went down hill after that, when I saw #CID #SA W outside G’s door, I lost it.

 I can’t believe this male CID SA out of Ft. Jackson showed up! The same CID SA that caused so much psychological trauma on 1 November 2016 to my oldest daughter B.  This CID SA had some balls on him, thinking I would just be fine with him showing up. My face turned red, gave him some choice words, I was not holding nothing back. You see, our last name is very uncommon, it’s a dying last name, we are the only family with our last name that is active duty throughout the Army; CID SA W from Ft. Jackson knew exactly what he was doing, so did his chain of command.

So after CID SA W left, we waited for about 20 minutes; it’s for his own safety from me. Nothing is worst than a CID SA who psychologically tries to play mind games, to any teen and young per-adolescent girl, this is a form of abuse of power. CID agents are bullies with badges. G’s case should be handle over to the state, so G can get some form of justice, and J gets the intense help that he needs. G's raped happened on federal property, military installing; but I'm not asking for a UCMJ, because this is not a UCMJ case when two minors are not military personnel. I just want G's case to be handed off to the state, DJJ preferably. CID can hand of the case.  Honestly, I don’t know if any treatment will help him. I’m still writing a blog on J’s behavior with DTD/RAD, and the struggle for treatment.

B is working on her blog about Ft. Jackson’s CID SA W, CID SA T, and Chief S. Right now, she’s busy with her pre-vet studies and Cheer at the college she attends; so be patient because once you read her blog on how CID treated "a teen sexual assault victim" you’ll understand why I’m upset.

G will always be the bravest young girl I know! I draw my strength and courage from G, this why I'm fight so hard for her, and even J. I've been communicating with a SC US Senator, which had been helpful. I've learned now that there was a section added to the National Defense Authorization Act; FY19 NDAA Section 1089. I'm reaching out to different organizations for help as well; if G's raped happened anywhere outside a military installation, G would have closure and J would get help that he needs.