To My Biological Children...

To my biological children, I'm deeply sorry! I'm sorry that I brought the chaos and trauma into our world. If I would have known, what this journey would have taken us, I would've chosen a different path. I thought I was doing something good, by helping children in need. I could never imagined what trauma actually looks like; no amount of classes, books, or movies could've prepared us for our foster/adopted children.

Reactive Attachment Disorder, Developmental Trauma Disorder, ADHD, ODD, CPTSD, DMDD, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Bipolar; Disruptive, Impulse Control, and Conduct Disorder, Personality Disorders (Anti-Social, Narcissistic, Avoidant, Histrionic), and Paraphilic Disorder... It's a lot of Mental and Behavioral disorders to deal with, and being prepared as a foster parent, we were not. Looking back, I know now, Social Workers are like used car salesmen, they talk up a good game. 

My biology children suffered the worst, because my energy was on my one foster/two adopt children. Their chaos and trauma couldn't be loved away, having a safe and secure home, a roof over their head, and food in their belly. The lack of proper treatment upset me, well, I'm fucking pissed. Social Workers have known for years, that children with Complex Trauma need the best care and treatment; that doesn't mean a therapeutic foster home or regular foster homes. It means sometimes, PRTF’s, that specializes in Complex Trauma; Trauma-Informed Care, Biofeedback, EMDR, Art therapy, Enquire therapy, CBT and other therapies. My biological children should have never been exposed to this nightmare of Complex Trauma. 

H, B, and G, I sorry that you guys had the endure the nightmare roller-coaster ride. I never wanted you to feel that you didn't matter to me, but you do. I never wanted to you all to live with physical, psychological, and sexual abuse in our home and you did; I can never take that back. And in a way, can never forgive myself for bring E, S, and J into our lives. As a mother, I couldn't keep you safe. My sole job was to keep you all safe, shield from violence in the home. I failed you on that part. 

When E came to live with us, he was charming at first. E only lived with us for 2 months, but he had so many issues, that his formal foster family never reported in their reports. H and B you should have never felt unsafe in our own home. I wished I would've knew what E had done sooner. E had so much power over you both, and I missed some of those signs. 

And when we got J and S, I thought because they were 6 and 7, they wouldn't have so many behavioral issues. Of course, the social worker were so sure that we would not have the same problems as E. I was wrong, and she was definitely wrong!! S and J had a hurricane of mental and behavioral issues. I never could have managed what J did to G; it's still hard for me to wrap my brain around her violent rape; she was only 8, and J was only 10 1/2. It's the age, the young age to be honest! How can someone so young be this violent? I will get into that in another blog. 

But, as I apologize, I will still call you out on your bullshit. If you hang out with the wrong group of people or go down the wrong path; I'll tell you the truth, and most times it will sting. Adult children hate it, when parents tell the truth, because adult children don't like to hear it or admit that their parents were right. As your mother, I will be your biggest cheerleadrer, I will support you and show you tough love from time to time. I will make sure you understand personal responsibility and accountablilty. What has happened to you was not you fault, I take the blame on that; because we had to live with trauma, and that trauma doesn't give you an excuse to be assholes or ruin your lives; but, it's up to you too heal from the trauma of E, S, and J. 

I love you H, B, G! 

It's been a year...

One year ago today, 3/17/2018, our lives would forever change, we just didn't know yet.  Our adopted son, J, had been living at a residential treatment center since August of 2017 for his behavior. On this day, we picked J up, it was his therapy travel visit. We took J shopping, went to Applebee's for lunch, got him a hair cut, and took J out to our property to see the new place. We, J's parents and his therapist, thought seeing our new home would motivate J.

As we arrived to our home, J didn't seem interested in being there. His dad and I showed him the house, and what would his room. J just shrugged his shoulders. J's adopted siblings and biological sister were outside. Big brother H took the girls outside, they all felt uncomfortable around J. J's behavior could be extreme to say the least, no one could understand what's it like to live with a child with early childhood trauma, unless you have a child like J. All our classes and books that we took and read, to prepare for our adoption, could never compare to reality. J was only at our home for less an hour, 30 to 40 minutes. J's biological sister S, was anxious to be around him, her stomach was in knots; their relationship stems from trauma bonding, but no therapist could explain that to me when he was living with us. G didn't even say hello, but I would understand the "why", by the end of March. J was never alone with anyone, I was his shadow; of course, he didn't like that.

As we took J back to the residential treatment center, J stayed quiet all the way to the center. It was actual nice, usually J is rude, argumentative, and hyper.  My husband and I talked about how we were going to enjoy back yard BBQ's, outdoor movies, gardening, and raising small farm animals (chickens, goats, ducks, rabbits, and hogs). As we pulled up, J hop out of the burby, and was ready to be back at the center. J was never really about closeness with us, unless it was something he could gain from it; power, control, and manipulation at this early age in life. Throughout other blogs, I will explain J's behavior.